


#SHOOT: GAL PALS?

by swu



Series: maybe (in another universe) [6]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: "Gal Pals", (not shaw), (the media is TERRIBLE what else is new), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, actress!Root, maybe real dating???? who knows?, rockstar!Shaw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-03 09:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5285720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swu/pseuds/swu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EXCLUSIVE: Is "The Machine" guitarist Sameen Shaw getting closer to her new gal pal, sci-fi actress Root?</p><p>Celebrity AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. any publicity is good publicity

**Author's Note:**

> [A Tumblr prompt for a Celebrity AU](http://wanheda.tumblr.com/tagged/shoot%3A-gal-pals%3F/chrono) turned into THIS BEAUTIFUL MESS. Moving this over from Tumblr because… there maaay be actual story in the works :)

“I don’t date _actresses_ ,” Shaw seethes, “And what I mean by that is I don’t do crazy, I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. Seriously, what are you, Zo, my manager or my pimp?”

Zoe doesn’t let up. “Shaw, as much as it sucks, we _need_ to reform your image,” shooting her a killer glare with that last word because Shaw knows what she did.

“I don’t care about my ~image~… Fuck, I thought that was the whole point of being a goddamn _rockstar_ —that I didn’t need to worry about shit like that.”

“And as true as that may be in most cases, unfortunately for you, you also happen to be female and openly bisexual. And the adoring public is, as usual, a little slow on the uptake and quick to condemn, so yes, _your_ image. Matters.”

Grudgingly, Shaw glares back up at Zoe through her scowl. “Fine. I’ll go on this date with… Root…” ( _God what kind of name is that?_ , Shaw thinks. _Who does she think she fucking is, Beyonce?_ ) “But I’m not gonna like it.”

 

**…**

 

Oh god, she’s not just an actress, she’s one of those actresses who eats like a bird and picks all the egg out of her cobb salad (and has the nerve to order a damn cobb salad at a steakhouse in the first place!) and asks the waiter to make a special exception in the no substitution policy _just for her_ , and somehow it works because apparently eyes that are huge and golden brown and sparkling are magic or something, and then she walks around like she’s the hottest shit in the room and she knows everyone’s eyes are on her and her ass in that dress and her legs that should not be allowed to be that long and—  


Shaw’s gonna fucking _kill_ Zoe.

 

**…**

 

It’s possible that Root’s putting on a little bit of a show just to fuck with Shaw, but honestly it’s only because it’s adorable how flustered she’s getting (and how transparent she looks when she tries to pretend she’s not). And she knows Shaw’s only here because Zoe asked her to be, which is totally fine because it makes how _easy_ it is for Root to play her like a game of Oregon Trail that much more enjoyable.

Root did her research on Sameen before their “date,” though, and she really is a huge fan—particularly of Shaw’s… extracurricular activities. No wonder Zoe’s worried about her image. Good thing Root can think of _plenty_ of ways to keep Shaw in line.

 

**…**

 

Zoe told her to make this fake dating thing look good, and Sameen Shaw doesn’t do anything half-assed, so she damn well is gonna make this look good. For the publicity. That’s the only reason. Why _else_ would she let Root climb up on stage from the front row during The Machine’s final song of the night?

Okay maybe Shaw pulled her up on stage. Who knows, concerts are super hectic, a lot of shit was going on, the audience was going wild and on stage they were all running on a heady mix of adrenaline and the fucking _waves_ of energy coming from the crowd and when that happens Shaw can’t be held accountable for her actions, jeez get off her jock.

Well, not Root. Root can stay on her jock all she wants.


	2. [GOSSIP RAG HEADLINE MONTAGE]

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Exclusive! Sameen Shaw Opens Up About Her Sexuality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Click through for an exclusive statement!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"F--k off."


	4. you know what they say about payback?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The media is terrible, but do you know what's even worse? MEN. Men are even more terrible.
> 
> Part 1 of 3 of the Jeremy Lambert Saga

#### Jeremy Lambert Slams Former Co-Star Root: “She is the Embodiment of the ‘Fake Geek Girl’”

Looks like not everyone thinks Comic-Con darling **Root** deserves the title of Reigning Queen of the Geeks. **Jeremy Lambert** , who was Root’s co-star on her show **_Illyria_** for the first two seasons of the series, says Root should just stick to acting.

Or more specifically, in his words, she should stick to “being eye-candy” and should not “hurt her pretty little head by thinking too much.”

Root has been a Comic-Con favorite since bursting onto the scene from relative obscurity four years ago as the star of _Illyria_ , which, even months before its premiere, was possibly the most highly anticipated new show that year—understandably, considering the creator and showrunner, Josh Youdon, is the man behind many of the most influential shows in genre television in the past two decades (most notably _Slayer of the Vampyres_ , _Devil_ , _Toybox_ , and _Lightning Bug_ ).

“I was a fan of Josh’s shows long before starring on one of them even seemed like a possibility,” Root has said in the past. “I was a complete nerd growing up. Science fiction, math, computers, technology, games—that’s been my world for most of my life, so starring in _Illyria_ really has been a dream come true. Not only am I just a huge fan of the show—the writing and the characters and the storylines—it has allowed me the opportunity to become a part of this community that I love so much, and to become a _voice_ for the fans, to whom I feel such a kinship.”

Since the show’s premiere, she has become known not only for her acting, but as a self-proclaimed “nerd” who is truly at home in this genre. The fans immediately embraced her as one of them—their “Queen,” some even called her—and, if her activity on social media is any indication, Root was more than prepared to rise to the occasion. As her audience has grown, she’s increasingly used her online presence as a platform for discussing the latest cutting-edge technology or for heated debates with fans (as well as policymakers and leaders in the tech industry) about the most controversial and on-the-cusp technology-related topics in the news, such as cybersecurity and mass surveillance. She’s been Celebrity Ambassador for the Consumer Electronics Show three years running, and is said to consult regularly with several major tech companies as an unofficial advisor.

Lambert, however, seems to think that this is “a load of bullocks.”

We conducted an informal impromptu with the actor to hear his thoughts on the issue.

**Root has a long and well-documented history of her participation in this community, as well as her involvement in the tech sector, which seems to confirm her claims that she is, in fact, a “computer nerd.” Yet you have leveled accusations that she is not what she claims to be. Do you care to explain?**

Look, she’s been spouting this same nonsense since she was a D-list nobody with no credits to her name save some embarrasingly terrible Hallmark Channel Straight-to-Video Christmas disaster. It’s all a carefully crafted image. Of _course_ she wants all the geeks who flock to Comic-Con to think that she’s “one of them.” She’s _selling herself_. She’s promoting the show. But it’s all a lie. Do you honestly believe that _she_ feels like she’s truly one of them? That she goes home and opens up her laptop for some hardcore coding? Or plugs in to her sexy elfin avatar on some MMORPG… so maybe one day YOU might be conducting a raid right alongside _the_ Root? Honestly.

**Everyone else seems to believe her, though. If the extent of her deception is as great as you say it is, how is it that you are the only one that has spoken out about it?**

Well that’s precisely the point, _I_ would know, wouldn’t I? I witnessed it first-hand for over two years on _Illyria_ , which is, if we’re being honest, nothing but campy genre television, and yet Root acts like she’s starring in the next _Breaking Bad_.

…

 _(It should be noted that since Jeremy left_ Illyria _two years ago, the rumor mill surrounding the circumstances of his abrupt departure from the series has been unrelenting. Neither Lambert nor his representatives have spoken out about these rumors, choosing to neither confirm nor deny that he was unceremoniously fired from the show for “reasons undisclosed.”_

 _Regardless of the truth about his time on_ Illyria _, and despite the fact that he does not seem humbled at all by the experience, Lambert has undoubtedly been left with a negative impression of his time on the show.)_

…

[Root is] a raging narcissist. She got a taste of that… power… that comes with the pedestal they’ve placed her upon, and she’s been desperately grasping for more ever since. At this point it’s almost like thinks she’s the second coming or something equally ridiculous. Like she’s the voice of God and it’s her duty to bring enlightenment to the little people.

**You do know that Root is an avowed atheist?**

It was a metaphor. Anyway that’s not the point. The point is that she is the very embodiment of the “fake geek girl.” She’s only pretending to be a geek for the attention. She claims to be an avid programmer? Give it a try, hand her a laptop and ask her to code you something. It wouldn’t surprise me if she could only type with two fingers. I bet she doesn’t even write half the things that have been posted under her name online—I’m sure there’s someone behind the scenes putting words in her mouth. I doubt she knows how to use her computer beyond continuous masturbatory refreshing of her Twitter notifications. I’m serious, it’s probably enough to get her off, the constant onslaught of digital ego-stroking that her adoring fans throw at her.

**You used the phrase “fake geek girl” when referring to Root. What about the recent uproar with regards to the sexist and downright misogynist implications of the phrase? Do you think that is relevant to this conversation?**

No no no, you misunderstand me. I am, of course, a feminist. I love women. This is not about gender at all. This is about this one individual woman who is bordering on psychotic, taking advantage of the low self-esteem of these poor fans who, ultimately, are the ones who pay her paychecks. Her popularity depends on the fantasy that she is not like those other gorgeous untouchable Hollywood actresses, that she is thoroughly _touchable_. She’s essentially telling these sad middle-aged men who live in their mothers’ basements that they have a _chance_ with her.

**Is that really likely, though, considering Root has been openly gay and extremely outspoken about her sexuality since the very beginning of her career?**

IT WAS A METAPHOR. I didn’t mean she wants them to _literally_ touch her. What I meant was—she’s perpetuating the fantasy that someone who looks like her might be remotely interested in the same things as these “geeks,” that they might have something in common with a woman who looks like her, that a woman who looks like her might want to be with someone like them, and that eventually they might end up with a woman like her. She’s playing the fantasy, just like any… woman who sells herself does. Only _Root_ is playing it out to millions of people at once.

**But, Jeremy, if you don’t mind me asking—aren’t you in the same business as Root? You are, after all, an actor as well. Aren’t you subject to the same demands, in terms of public image and connection to your audience?**

Well of course I am! I’ve never denied it. I’ve most certainly never claimed to be perfect. But more importantly I have never _lied_. I have never claimed to be something that I’m not. I’m not a geek. I _don’t_ have very much in common with my fans, I don’t pretend to be “one of them.” I wouldn’t want to take advantage of them in that way. I’d like to think they appreciate that. That they’d appreciate… the type of man that I am. That’s _why_ they watch my films and television series—precisely _because_ I am not one of them. As actors, as _men_ in Hollywood, it’s our job to represent an ideal, a very different kind of fantasy. And to do my job I don’t have to _pretend_ or stoop to such levels to sell myself. I simply have to _be_.

**So are you saying—**

Okay, here’s the bottom line. Root thinks she can just slip on a pair of glasses, hold a laptop up over her tits and then try to say “Look at me! I'm a gorgeous geek.” I just find this offensive, that’s all. I’m offended for the real geeks out there. I’m all for female empowerment—be an actress, be a model, be a nude model, be a whore, I don’t care. It’s your body, do what you want with it. That's fine. But people should embrace what they really are without lowering themselves to false advertisement, you know?

I’m simply looking out for the _truth_. I think everyone would be better off if we were simply honest to each other, and ourselves, about who we are.

 

* * *

 

So what do you think? Does Jeremy Lambert have a point? Is he simply an honest man on a crusade for more transparency and less artifice in Hollywood? How will Root respond to these accusations? Is this going to turn into another massive celebrity feud?

More on this story as it unfolds.

**For the latest updates, follow us on Twitter and Tumblr and Instagram! Don’t forget to like our Facebook page! Sign up for our newsletter to get the news delivered directly to your inbox! Comment below to join the discussion!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be continued…
> 
> aka oh don't worry, this asswipe is gonna get what's coming to him.


	5. well…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is a dish best served with fists.
> 
> Part 2 of 3 of the Jeremy Lambert Saga

“UGH _god_ what a slimy-ass weaseldick.”

Shaw slowly looks up from her breakfast, eyebrows raised, fork frozen halfway to her mouth. It’s a good ten seconds before Zoe realizes and finally tears her eyes away from her phone. She shakes her head in disgust. “Jeremy Lambert.”

It's always so amusing when Zoe gets mad. She’s the type of person who’ll greet you with _“so you know who I hate?”_ before she even says hello, sometimes before you've even been properly introduced. Although, to be fair, that might have just been the first time she met Shaw—lending someone a handkerchief (maybe it was an Hermès scarf, who can remember?) to wrap their busted knuckles, freshly bloodied on the cheekbone a certain musician-cum-professional-asshole, generally entitles you to skip the pleasantries in favor of immediately bonding over objects of mutual hatred. The point is, if you’re looking for the go-to person for personal vendettas, it’s Zoe Morgan. She does trade in this, after all.

Smirking into her pancakes, Sameen returns her attention to her plate. “Is that name supposed to mean something to me?” she asks through a mouthful of syrup and bacon.

“Well it _should_ , considering he just trashed your _girlfriend_ in what’s either a remarkably elaborate satire or the most obliviously misogynistic rant I've seen this side of Gamergate.” She looks intently at Shaw before adding gravely, “This is a perfect example of why men should just not be allowed to speak.”

“Okay you know I didn’t understand half the words in that sentence,” Shaw says as she washes down the last remnants of her breakfast with some coffee. She looks up and flashes a playfully threatening smile at Zoe as she continues. “Let’s start with ‘girlfriend.’”

“Girlfriend: a friend- a companion, shall we say, who is female and with whom you might find yourself occasionally sharing a meal or maybe even some bodily fluids… oh, right, and ‘girlfriend’ is what you promised your _non_ -girlfriend friend you’d call Root to give—” Shaw groans theatrically, but Zoe barrels on “— _to give the press something else to focus on_ , at least until the whole aquarium incident blows over.”

They stare stubbornly at each other until Shaw finally relents. “Fine,” she huffs. “What’s the deal with Lambert?” (……………………… and it was _SeaWorld_ )

Zoe rolls her eyes at the grumbled addition before sliding her phone across the table. “Here, just see yourself.”

“ _Fake Geek Girl_?” Shaw reads. “Wow, yeah Zo… that sounds like something I give exactly zero fucks about.”

“Shaw. Focus.”

“What? Seriously, what do you want from me?” Shaw half-laughs as Zoe swats at her. “I still don’t see how this is any of my business, I mean even if we _were_ actually dating, Root and I have only gone out like three times. It would be weird if I went all overprotective white knight on her. I’m just… respecting appropriate boundaries.”

“You fucked in her trailer on set yesterday,” Zoe says dryly, raising an eyebrow.

Sameen sucks her lips in with a tiny shake of her head. “Well, that doesn’t… mean anything. I mean, you did tell me to make it look good so…” 

Zoe shoots Shaw a withering glare. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Just-” She grabs the phone back and starts reading. “Lambert says… Root should just stick to being eye-candy and shouldn’t hurt her pretty little head by thinking too much.”

“Well her head _is_ pretty,” Shaw interrupts with a laugh. “Come on, Zoe. This is just par for the course, you know how this shit is. I have no idea why you of all people are getting so bent out of shape about this.”

“ _Shaw._ ” Zoe demands, setting her phone down. “Look, he goes on to basically call her a whore- actually, no, not basically. He literally calls her a whore. This is not just about your kinda not-girlfriend; this is a pompous fuckboy—who has never in his life been called out for his fuckboy behavior—once again being a fuckboy, but this time in a magazine with a weekly readership of five million people.”

Shaw rolls her eyes, but still picks the phone back up. Almost immediately, though, she lets out a small snort of laughter.

“ _Queen of the Geeks_ , oh fuck I’m never going to live this one down…” The hand she brings up over her mouth does absolutely nothing to conceal the expression of pure glee spreading across her face. At Zoe’s disparaging look, Shaw exclaims, “What? Come on. You’ve gotta admit this whole thing is kind of funny. And _honestly_ I can’t believe she lets people call her that, god that’s so terrible.”

“I mean it’s not exactly like you’re particularly thrilled about being dubbed the-”

“OKAY okay, yeah I get your point.”

Shaw grows increasingly incredulous as she reads, eyebrows drawn together and nose wrinkled, until she scoffs suddenly. “……… ‘the community I love so much …to whom I feel such a kinship’…?!”

Zoe scoffs right back. “Like you’ve never played up the rockstar during interviews… trust me, you’re not actually that cool, Shaw.”

“Um, excuse you,” Shaw retorts, but she knows Zoe’s right.

“You know how this shit works, you’ve complained about what I’ve made you say enough times. Or - are you actually starting to feel a real _kinship_ to your new girlfriend? I mean, it certainly seems like you might be, especially after yesterday…”

“That’s it. I'm never telling you anything ever again. I told you about the trailer sex _in confidence_ , I can’t believe you’re using it against me like this.”

“Hey, I’m not judging! You know I’m totally supportive of you in all your endeavors,” Zoe smirks. “But I was just pointing out a fact. I only seek the truth.”

“You’re an asshole.” Shaw smiles, rolling her eyes. “Finally! Here we go. Lambert. About time, this shit had better get interesting.”

…

Two minutes later, Zoe’s physically restraining Shaw from chucking her phone through the plate glass window of the diner.

“Shaw- Shaw that’s- _my_ phone,” Zoe reminds her as she slowly pries it out of Sameen’s grip.

Shaw smiles humorlessly, clenching her now-empty hands into fists. “Ohhhh he’s a _man’s man_ is he? Just a pure beacon of truth? Oh we’re gonna see how much of a _real_ man he is…”

“Oh no, wait, Shaw, _Shaw_ I know that look, that’s not a good look. That’s a _Zoe hold my beer and clear your evening because you’re going to be doing damage control all night_ look. You’re not going to do anything stupid, right? You swore after the last time that you weren’t going to do anything stupid like that again. Just- give Root a call or a text or something, that’s all you need to do. _Don’t_ go and-”

“I know. Don’t worry, Zoe,” Shaw says in a tone that is the exact opposite of reassuring. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

 

**…**

 

Let this be a lesson to all guys, famous or not … when you’re out at a club trying to pick up a girl, don’t get too pushy -- especially if the girl in question is **Sameen Shaw**.

 **Jeremy Lambert** \-- star of the new series “Samaritan” -- learned that lesson the hard way when he got a little too chummy with the guitarist last night.

Our sources at the club tell us Lambert was already a few drinks in by the time Shaw arrived, and attempted to proposition her when she approached him. We’re told that Shaw was upset with Lambert and obviously not interested … apparently the guy doesn’t know how to take a hint.

Based on security camera footage obtained by TMZ, at one point -- after what appears to be several adamant refusals -- Lambert grabs Shaw’s arm in an effort to prevent her from walking away. The video is unclear, but it appears he may have also attempted further unwanted physical contact.

That turned out to be a mistake. The video shows Shaw forcefully tearing Lambert’s hand off of her and pulling him into an armlock. At this point the view is obscured by other clubgoers -- we're told several of them were Lambert’s friends coming to his aid.

When Lambert attempted to retaliate, Shaw allegedly busted out some brutal moves, punching the actor in the face and kneeing at least two of the other men in the groin.

The altercation turned into a full-fledged bar brawl, though Shaw was nowhere to be found after the initial punches were thrown.

The club’s security was able to break up the fight quickly enough that the cops weren’t called. A rep for Lambert had no comment, but the actor was seen later that evening looking thoroughly battered.

We reached out to Shaw’s rep, and though a full statement is forthcoming, she made it clear that Shaw was “acting in self-defense in response to sexual harassment.”

So pay attention, guys. Just be a decent human being, okay? When a woman says no, just walk away. It’s not that hard.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen this side of her, but it’s clear Sameen “The Machine” Shaw is still not one to be messed around with. We’re glad she’s back -- though Lambert probably isn’t.

… 

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	6. …i'm the bitch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently that's not how the saying goes… It's actually "Revenge is a dish best served _cold_ ," but how would Shaw know that? Root's the nerd, not her. (Shaw definitely doesn't have the [Tarantino XX: 8-Film Collection Box Set](http://www.amazon.com/Tarantino-XX-Collection-Reservoir-Inglourious/dp/B009B0OG1O), no of course she does not.)
> 
> Part 3 of 3 of the Jeremy Lambert Saga

“Sameen?” Root answers the door in her pajamas, shifting her open laptop to balance on one arm as she pulls the door open with the other. “What are you doing here so late… god, what happened?”

“Hey.”

Shaw’s soaked and shivering in a dress that– well, if it wasn’t skin-tight before, it certainly is now. She’s breathing heavily like she just ran here through the storm raging outside. There’s a bruise blossoming out from a welt along her left cheek, but she’s grinning and there’s a glint of something in her eye and Root can’t stop staring.

“Oh, thi- caught an elbow, it was an accident, it’s fine.” Root steps aside as Shaw practically falls through the doorway. Closing the door behind her, she leans back against it with a soft thump. She works to even out her breathing, taking in slow, deep breaths as she locks eyes with Root. (Fuck, Root _is_ a nerd, she’s wearing honest-to-god librarian glasses.)

“What are you doing here, Sam?” Root repeats. Her voice has taken on a dreamy quality; she’s not even looking Shaw in the face anymore. Shaw’s dripping water everywhere. Blood seeps outward from the cut on her cheek into the wetness of her skin, carving pink rivulets across her face. Root’s gaze traces down Shaw’s body and lands on raw purpling knuckles.

“Sorry,” Shaw continues more evenly, following Root’s gaze. “Zoe gave me your address.”

They both look up, eyes meeting again, and stand in silence for a moment. Shaw’s still taking in heaving breaths through her nose. Root isn’t breathing at all.

Neither of them has so much as blinked.

Root slowly sets her laptop down on a table in the entryway and, without taking her eyes off Shaw, removes her glasses.

She just smirks with the barest corner of her mouth, and then her back is colliding with the wall as Shaw’s body collides with her front.

The wet fabric of Shaw’s dress plasters against Root’s body, immediately soaking through her clothes. Root shudders, whether from the sudden chill or the thigh shoved aggressively into her groin she’s not sure, and a gasp escapes from her lips into Shaw’s eager mouth. She grasps blindly at the straps of Shaw’s dress and somehow manages to slide them off Shaw’s shoulders.

“So you gonna tell me?” Root presses.

“What?”

Root cups the side of Shaw’s face and digs her thumb into the growing bruise on her cheek.

“Hhhhuh fuck,” Shaw grunts, eyelids fluttering with the touch. “It’s- nothing, it’s—”

Root cuts her off, sliding her hand down to Shaw’s neck. Shaw’s eyes snap open just in time to catch the hint of a grin before Root flips them, slamming Shaw into the wall by the throat.

“Not that I’m complaining about this visit,” Root purrs in Shaw’s ear. The kiss catches Shaw off guard, all teeth and tongue and violent insistence, and when Root bites down on her lip, any reluctance about sharing slips from Shaw’s mind.

But her brain isn’t working, not with Root’s thumb pressing so exquisitely into her carotid. She can barely form words, but finally manages to mumble into Root’s mouth, “Jeremy Lamb-”

“Oh no, Sam, you didn’t.” Root tears her lips away and pushes herself back slightly to look at Shaw.

Shaw’s wet clothes are puddled at their feet. She’s backed against the wall in just her underwear and heels, chest heaving, skin shimmering with rain and sweat. She’s got a split lip now to match the black eye; she wipes it with the back of her busted-up hand and her flexed bicep glistens in the light. The image buries itself in Root’s chest and fills her up so completely that she can barely breathe. Fuck Hollywood, Root thinks, _this_ is what a Greek god would have looked like, breathless and messy and fucking _glorious_.

“ _Shut up_ ,” Shaw growls, grabbing Root by the front of her tank top and pulling her in again.

“Aw, you beat the shit out of him for me?” The words come out in breathy pants; Shaw doesn’t hear them so much as feel them in her skin. “That’s sweet, Sam, but I don't need you defend my honor.”

“ _Root_.”

Root laughs. It’s bright and girly and should be annoying as hell but instead it hits the skin of Shaw’s neck and sends goosebumps down her whole body.

“So strong and brave, my knight in shining armor,” Root teases.

“Oh fuck you, you’re such a little shit.” Shaw bites Root’s lip like she’s trying to tear the infuriating grin off her face. But Root feels Shaw smiling too, feels Shaw crush her reluctant smirk into Root’s lips as if that might hide the evidence.

There are more excuses on the tip of Sameen’s tongue ( _I didn’t do this for you, Root … he’s a fucking asshole, he deserved it … what’s a Friday night without a good bar brawl_ ) but then Root’s peeling her own top off and shoving her boxers down her legs and shoving her hand down Shaw’s underwear and fuck it maybe Shaw did do this for Root.

And _this_ , Root is doing for Shaw. She may have been teasing just to get a rise out of little miss ‘I’m a mystery inside rippling abdominals wrapped in black leather,’ but she still meant every word. She means every word and she has no idea how to say thank you. (The thing she’s trying to express is actually probably more along the lines of _you look so fucking hot when you’re all banged up, I want to bang you up some more_ , but the thank you is in there somewhere too.)

So she pulls Shaw bodily into the apartment ( _thank you_ ), shoves her down onto the couch ( _thank you_ ), practically pounces on her and brackets Shaw’s body with her thighs ( _thank you, thank you_ ).

Root’s not quite sure why she’s so grateful, though. She really didn’t need Shaw (doesn’t need Shaw), never wanted anyone to defend her. She is not the damsel in distress and she doesn’t need saving.

Root falls forward and nips at Shaw’s skin, leaving a wet trail down her flushed chest. She mumbles into her sternum. “You really shouldn’t have done that.”

Shaw just bites her lip and smiles, languorous and smug, greedy but not for gratitude.

The last time they’d done this they hadn’t even taken off their clothes. They’d barely spoken to each other between exchanging one-word texts and exchanging orgasms against a wall (and Shaw immediately stumbling out of the trailer so Root could prep for her next scene).

And Root can’t believe it, can’t believe she’d let Shaw go last time before she’d gotten a chance to see this, to feel Shaw pinned beneath her hips, muscles flexing firm against her body in a wave with each breath. Root drags her nails down Shaw’s abdomen and watches sharp pink welts bloom in their wake.

This was supposed to be just another way to blow off some steam. Shaw was supposed to be just another girl she could play with, another person she could hack.

Shaw wasn’t supposed to look this divine bleeding and dripping all over Root’s couch, smirking up at her with razor white teeth. She wasn’t supposed to have the smile of a shark and savage hands that would feel so good wrapped around Root’s neck.

“You really shouldn’t have done that for me, Sam,” Root repeats.

Shaw abruptly sits up, pulling their bodies together roughly as she grinds her hips into Root’s. She snakes a hand between them.

“You really need to stop talking, Root.”

 

**…**

 

“Welcome back, rockstar,” Root says to the boneless lump that used to be Shaw as it starts to stir on the couch beside her.

Root’s sitting with her back against the armrest, wearing nothing but her glasses and the laptop balanced on her legs.

“Jesus…” Shaw groans as she rolls into something resembling a sitting position.

“Well, I normally go by Root, but if we’re doing nicknames…”

A louder groan. Shaw kicks weakly at Root’s shins. It feels like her whole body is throbbing… her cheek, her hand, her—

“You okay over there?” Root asks with a laugh. “You were out for a bit. Grabbed you a powerbar in case you were still feeling a little tuckered out.”

Shaw narrows her eyes at Root but still unwraps the bar with slightly shaky hands and promptly shoves half of it in her mouth. “You did not _tucker me out_. Beating the shit out of like six massive dudes is a little draining. I should get some credit for that.”

“Of course you do, Sameen.” Root smiles at Shaw over the top of her computer. “I thought I gave you plenty of credit, but if you feel like you deserve a little more…”

Shaw just growls through a mouthful of powerbar.

“You know, as sweet as it was that you stood up for me, I didn’t need you to swoop in and play the hero. Trust me, SuperShaw. You’re not the only one with hidden talents.”

Root looks down at her laptop and glances mischievously back up at Shaw. She starts typing rapidly again, and when it becomes clear she isn’t planning on elaborating further, Shaw slides across the couch to sit next to Root. She nudges Root’s knees over and tries to peek at the screen.

“Are you ever going to tell me what you’re doing?”

“Are you ever going to tell me about the thing with the orca?” Root retorts without missing a beat. “Or is that part of your whole…” she gestures vaguely “… _thing_. You know, your _air of mystery_?”

Shaw rolls her eyes with a scoff.

“Because I feel like your _girlfriend_ , of all people, deserves to hear the story firsthand.”

“Ok first of all, it was a shortfin mako shark and—”

Shaw notices the adoring smirk growing on Root’s lips and she stops herself. “You’re fucking with me.”

Root’s face splits into a wide grin.

“I’ve read your file, Sameen. And believe me, I’m a huge fan. What, you think I didn’t do my research when Zoe asked me if I’d do this? I’m always diligent about my prepwork before I take on a new part.”

“Wow, that’s not creepy at all.” Shaw’s trying to feel affronted by this, but she can’t bring herself to feel anything but mildly impressed. (And a little smug. The Mako is a fucking great story but Zoe never lets her tell it.) She presses her lips firmly together to stop herself from smiling.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Shaw watching Root’s face closely as she works. A fragmented reflection of the screen flashes across Root’s glasses.

“Are you fucking with Lambert right now?” Shaw asks suddenly.

Root puts on her most saccharine voice. “Oh I’m just… giving karma a little nudge in the right direction, that’s all.”

Shaw raises her eyebrows expectantly.

Root swings her feet over to the floor and places her laptop on the coffee table. She stretches before leaning forward to start typing again.

“I don’t normally condone this sort of thing. I mean, online privacy in this day and age is practically sacred, something that should be… protected…”

Shaw barks out a laugh. “Oh really now. Privacy, huh? You wanna talk about some of that research you did on me?”

Root hums. “Well. Maybe _sacred_ is a bit strong,” she concedes with a smirk.

“But I’m really not doing anything, Lambert’s the one who brought this on himself. I’m just, what did he call it? ‘Looking out for the truth.’ And he’s right—everyone would be better off if they knew who he really was.”

“And that is…?”

“A misogynistic egomaniac with a superiority complex and a serious lack of understanding of basic human decency…”

“So he’s… a guy. And an actor.”

“Yes. But Lambert tends to be exceptionally vocal and long-winded about it; he does like to hear himself talk, that much is obvious. I have emails, texts—what’s the phrase they teach in, I don’t know, the second grade? If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t say it at all? I’m sure some of Jeremy’s acquaintances would love to hear what he has to say about them.”

Shaw shakes her head with a gentle laugh, but when she looks back at what Root’s doing her brow furrows.

“Shit, Root, is that his bank account?”

“He’s been doing a little redistribution of funds from some of the charity projects he oh-so-selflessly supports. I’m just distributing them back.”

The room falls silent except for the tapping of Root’s fingertips across the keyboard. Root can feel Shaw’s unflinching gaze boring into the side of her skull, but she forces herself to keep her own eyes fixed straight forward. Shaw studies her for an unbearably long moment before finally speaking again.

“God, you really are a piece of work, aren’t you?” Lambert’s a miserable prick, but he was right about one thing. Root knows how to play.

Root laughs.

“You’re only just figuring that out?”

 

**…**

 

Actor Jeremy Lambert has been fired from fledgling drama _Samaritan_ , reps from ASI have confirmed. 

ASI Television Studios, which is set to produce the highly anticipated new series from acclaimed showrunner B.B. Eighbrams under his production company Good Android, announced that Lambert, who was slated to be a series regular, will no longer be featured in the upcoming first season of _Samaritan_.

“We can confirm that Jeremy Lambert is no longer contracted to appear on the series and no footage with him will be aired,” a rep for ASI said.

This is not the first time Lambert has been cut from a television series. In 2013, he severed his contract on the series _Illyria_ and was written out of the show after only two seasons.

His departure from _Samaritan_ is only the latest in a series of fallouts this past week. On Monday, reports surfaced of what the network has called “deeply disturbing patterns of behavior” and “indications of character that is not in line with ASI’s mission and core values.” Later that day, Panoptic Artists Agency announced they were severing ties with the actor, leaving him without representation in Hollywood. 

These allegations first came to light after years of Lambert’s personal emails were anonymously leaked to executives at ASI and PAA. Several prominent directors and producers are also purported to have received copies of these files.

PAA said in a statement that “while the agency does not condone the invasion of Mr. Lambert’s privacy, the emails have brought to light a pervasive undercurrent of bigotry and intolerance that is unacceptable and deeply concerning.”

It has also been reported that Lambert is no longer in the running for a role in the upcoming untitled second installment of the War of the Stars reboot trilogy.

As for _Samaritan_ , both ASI and Eighbrams have declined to comment further about what Lambert’s departure means for the future of the series. It is currently slated for a midseason premiere in the network’s spring lineup.

 

**…**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the post-credits scene!! _The Mako Incident_ , coming next chapter to a web browser near you!


	7. The Shawshark Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The Mako Incident"
> 
> Otherwise known as "The SeaWorld Incident," or (for those people who for some reason are _trying_ to get their asses kicked) "the thing at the aquarium."
> 
> PLUS a little bonus gift that Root got Shaw after the events of the Jeremy Lambert Saga

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the wall of Zoe's office, she displays memorabilia from various projects her clients have been involved in: posters for Oscar-winning films, double-platinum albums, photos from handprint ceremonies at Grauman's Chinese Theatre, one random poster for a CW teen drama…
> 
> …and a sign that says:
> 
> **[ ] DAYS SINCE SHAW'S LAST NONSENSE**
> 
> (Zero, the number is usually zero.)

### INCIDENT/ARREST REPORT

DEFENDANT’S NAME:  
**SHAW, SAMEEN**

ARREST DATE (MM/DD/YYYY):  **11/01/2015**  
ARREST TIME (HHMM): **0216**  
ARREST LOCATION: **SEAWORLD SAN DIEGO  
500 SEA WORLD DRIVE, SAN DIEGO, CA 92109**

On 11-01-15, at approximately 0140 hrs, I (Ofc. LASKEY #13089) responded to a station call to investigate a potential burglary in progress at 500 Sea World Dr. (SeaWorld Park). An automated security system was set off by an unauthorized entry into the Shark Encounter aquarium at the park, at which point the SDPD was alerted. Upon arrival, I observed a black Lamborghini parked directly off Perez Cove Way, by the front gate to the park. The gate itself appeared to be undisturbed and there was no sign of forced entry. The initial alert did not indicate that exterior alarms had been set off at the outer perimeter of the park.

I then traveled to the building from which the alert had initiated. I observed no visible indications of any unknown suspect(s) at the location until I arrived at the building and observed the main entrance unlocked and ajar. I entered the building and observed that the suspect had entered a zoological display via the staff entrance. It appeared the suspect was attempting to release the animal housed in the tank in question.

The suspect appeared to be a female in her mid-20s to mid-30s, approximately 5’03” and athletic build, long brown hair, all black clothing. I approached the suspect asked her to exit and step away from the holding tank. At this time, the suspect began to state: “What the f***, what are you doing here?”

I explained to the suspect that she had unlawfully entered the premises and that the SDPD had been alerted when she broke into the Shark Encounter aquarium building. As I approached, the suspect kept going into her jacket pockets. Fearing that the suspect might have a weapon or contraband, I asked the suspect to face the wall and place her hands against it in order to facilitate a cursory patdown for weapons. The suspect stated: “Are you f****** serious, you do not want to do this.”

Again I asked the suspect to place her hands against the wall. At this point I advised other units via radio of a possible armed suspect and requested assistance. As I approached, I smelled an odor of alcohol on the suspect’s breath and observed that the suspect had slow, deliberate movements. The suspect finally complied but took her hands off the wall soon after and turned around to face me. The suspect stated: “I’m not doing anything wrong, what the f*** do you think you’re doing?”

I advised the suspect that if she continued to take her hands off the wall and not look forward, she would be subject to arrest. The suspect again turned around to face me. At this time, I grabbed her right hand and stated to her that she was under arrest. The suspect began to resist me by pulling her right arm away before swinging her arm toward me as she stated: “Get the f*** off me, don’t f****** touch me.”

I advised the suspect not to resist any further, but she punched me three times and kicked me in the groin and then the knee. At this point, Ofc. Silva #1118 and Ofc. Ortiz #408 arrived on the scene and with their assistance, we placed the suspect into custody with no further incident.

The defendant was transported to the San Diego Police Department for holding, where she was charged with trespassing, burglary, vandalism, resisting arrest, and assault and battery on a police officer. Ofc. Silva observed the def. to have bloodshot eyes and the odor of alcohol on her breath. Ofc. Silva asked if she had driven herself to the park. Def. did not respond but agreed to a breath test and a drug evaluation. Def. faces an additional DUI charge pending results.

Because of the nature of the her activities at the SeaWorld park, def. also faces a potential charge of Conspiracy to Violate the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act - Title 18 U.S.C., Sec. 43 (a)(1), (2)(C), (b)(3)(A).

 

**…**

 

  
  
  


 

* * *

 

_Thursday, January 21, 2016_

“Hey, sweetie. Did you get my gift?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Check your email”

“What the _hell_ is this supposed to be, Root?”

“YOU NAMED IT _SAM_??”

 

**…**

 

Dear Ms. Shaw,

**Congratulations on your new toothy member of the family!**

Thank you for your generous contribution to the Shark Research & Conservation Program at the University of Miami! Your donation covers the cost of one new satellite tag for a **Shortfin Mako Shark ( _Isurus oxyrinchus_ )** as part of the SRC's satellite tracking study to research these apex predators.

In return for your donation, we have named your shark as specified with your donation, and you can now follow Mako Sam's movements on [our website](http://rjd.miami.edu/education/virtual-learning/tracking-sharks) using an interactive Google Earth map.

As I'm sure you know, sharks add beauty and diversity to our planet's oceans but many populations of shark are at risk and, without immediate scientific and conservation attention, will continue to decline. By adopting a shark, you are helping us save whole populations of these majestic creatures through our research!

Here are some details about your newest family member!

 **Species:** Shortfin Mako Shark  
**Scientific Name:** Isurus oxyrinchus  
**Date Tagged:** January 15, 2016  
**Location Tagged:** Off the Texas Gulf Coast  
**Total Length (TL):** estimated 314cm

Mako sharks are one of the less studied species in our research program, so Sam is an incredibly important addition to our family as well as yours! Sam was carefully tagged with the latest in satellite tag technology providing us with one of the first opportunities to follow the long term movements of these threatened species. Please keep checking back frequently to follow Sam's movements, which will be updated every few days as Sam's satellite tag continues to send us real-time tracking data.

If you have any more questions about the Shark Research & Conservation program, please contact me at: hammer at rsmas.miami.edu

Thank you again for your support!

Best,

Dr. Neil Hammerschlag, Ph.D  
Director, Shark Research & Conservation Program

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what this fic is anymore! But you know what I DO know? Sharks are awesome.
> 
> I might have gone a little overboard with the shark stuff. It was originally just supposed to be a low-key reference to the [94 Days](http://archiveofourown.org/series/341119) series by [bruisespristine](http://archiveofourown.org/users/bruisespristine/pseuds/bruisespristine) (which, by the way, you should definitely read if you haven't already). But it turns out I'm a huge nerd (shocker).
> 
> All factual information presented in this chapter is true. Go adopt a shark! (actually maybe not because apparently satellite tagging is really expensive wow…)


End file.
